Pets, unlike fine wine, cigars, or moldy cheese, are not an acquired taste. You naturally gravitate towards animal companionship because of all the wonderful things they add to your life. They keep you happy, active, and interested in something other than yourself. But like most of the things you value, they do say something about you as a person. Here are a few types of pets and what they signify in their owners.
- Dogs – If you own the most common pet on the planet, you are likely outgoing and talkative. Don’t lie; you talk to Duke all the time! (BTW, Duke is the best dog name EVER) You probably enjoy barbeques, long walks on the beach, and slimy tennis balls. You may buy a lot of shoes but own very few. You also feel that a garbage disposal is an unnecessary investment. You are unfazed by a little fecal matter… that’s what plastic bags are for.
- Cats – Also popular as pet types go, the cat-owner is an introvert. You would rather spend Friday night sitting on the couch with a glass of wine and a copy of Lonesome Dove than go to a club with your friends. Cat owners tend to enjoy vacuuming and you may have secret stashes of lint rollers all over your house. You avoid black clothing and can be spotted buying new houseplants at regular intervals.
- Fish – I’m not entirely sure if this is a pet or a hobby, but if fish are you preference, you probably own a high-rent apartment in a downtown area or you still live at home with your mom. Either way, someone else is cleaning your house. You tend to get lost in thought and are easily distracted by bright objects. Nobody beats you in a staring contest. You may also enjoy recreational drug use.
- Birds – To own birds you must either have a compulsive need to clean or have lost your sense of smell though a freak injury or illness. Being deaf couldn’t hurt either (unless you own a mockingbird). Bird-owners often have the moniker “old” applied to the front of their name, as in “Old Lucy came in and cleared out the bread rack this morning” or “Old Bill taught his bird to sing the National Anthem”. You are probably a daydreamer and you are likely prone to fits of song. You also enjoy whittlin’ and scaring the neighborhood kids.
- Teacup pigs – If you buy into this “dog alternative”, you are probably susceptible to outrageous cuteness. You often indulge in baby talk and you may even squeeze the cheeks of cherubic children who have the misfortune to cross your path. You are one of the few people on the planet for whom designer pet accessories are not a question of “if” but “how many” (and if their outfit matches yours, even better). You have clearly never read Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle.